May 2

The power went off again last night and is still not back on this morning.  I manage to get through to ZESA who assure me that they know of the fault and that the electricity will be back later in the day.

I have not been to the shops for two weeks so I decide to venture out.  It is one of the most depressing experiences I have had in a long time.  The range of food is very limited and many things are just not available, even things that are made in Zimbabwe, like oats.  What is available is extremely, ridiculously expensive.  The girls asked me to buy a watermelon and I hesitate to put it in the trolley.  Eventually, I buy a quarter.  As the holidays are coming to an end, I buy a small bottle of tonic water as I am tired of drinking gin and orange juice.  I feel like I am being extremely decadent and put the bottle back three times before I actually say to hell with it and buy it.

When I get home, I feel so extremely depressed, I lie comatose on my bed.  I have not felt so hopeless in such a long time.  Since the just before the lockdown, we have had no income from our cottage and John has been unable to work which has meant we have had to rely entirely on my salary.  It is just impossible.  I have this overwhelming feeling of being trapped here, unable to leave because there isn't any way of actually getting out of the country besides ramming the car through the closed border post.  

I know life is hard for many people; I know it is much harder for many more people than it is for me and I know I should be grateful and I know I will survive.  That does not stop me from occasionally feeling complete despair. 

Late afternoon, I take Sian for a driving lesson.  It is a beautiful time of the day.  The sun turns everything a delicate gold. We get lost on dirt roads that haven't been driven on for months where the grass is long and the tracks can hardly be seen.  It's fun and we laugh a lot.  I feel much happier when we get home.

I have my gin and tonic.  The tonic tastes of lemon soap.  The electricity, however, is back and one must always be grateful for small mercies.