April 28

Two things happen today concerning masks.

First of all, our wi-fi runs out so I try to renew it online, paying with Ecocash.  It all goes fantastically well and I receive a message on my phone to say that payment has been made.  However, the internet does not work.  I try all the usual tricks like switching off the modem and restarting my laptop.  Then I move to stage two: I try shaking the modem and turning it upside down.  I try stage three: praying, doing a rain dance and leaving sacrifices at its feet, but nothing works so I get in the car and drive down to TelOne.

TelOne are taking social distancing so seriously, you cannot even park in the car park.  Instead, you have to park on the side of the road.  As it is on a bend, more people are likely to be killed crossing the road to get to the office than are likely to get COVID-19, but this has not stopped TelOne getting tough with the virus.  I am told I am not allowed in as I don't have a mask.

'Well, ' I say, 'I wouldn't be here at all if you had a system that worked.  I would be sitting at home, wouldn't I? Nice and safe, away from everyone, but, no, here I am, out on the frontline. I don't think I have ever managed to properly recharge the internet online.  There is always a problem.'

The guard looks nervously at me.

'Anyway,' says the TelOne man, 'we're closed.'

'Closed?'

'We close at 1pm.'

I realise it is time for negotiation a smile and a softened tone of voice.  Eventually, he tells the guard to write down my 'issue' in the back of his notebook. He then tears it out and takes it inside the office. A few minutes later he phones:

'Are you still there?' he asks.

'Yep. Sitting in my car,' I answer as chirpily as possible.

'I think I have sorted everything out.  Go home, switch off your modem and restart.'

'Are you sure sure?'  I envisage more rain dances.

'I am sure.'

And sure enough, it works when I get home.

Second scenario.  I need to go into a shop that won't let you in without a mask.  I don't have a mask, but I have a scarf so I wrap it round my mouth and nose and Ellie does the same with a scarf of hers.  We look like bank robbers from the days of the wild west so when we go inside the shop, I joke with the cashier that I have come to rob them.  She does not even look my way and carries on scanning items.  

I try again.  No response - and then she starts talking to me about schools reopening and how children are getting bored.  When we get back in the car, Ellie tells me she couldn't hear a word I was saying, only some sort of muffled noise.  I think I'll have to invest in a proper mask if I am to hold up the shop successfully.  I'll be back.