April 16

Today, Ellie decides she would like to make some ginger beer and finds a very simple Jamie Oliver recipe that doesn't involve any kind of yeast, fermentation, or the danger of exploding bottles. But she does need soda water so we go down to Spar to forage for a bottle.  I say forage because that is what it feels like.  The shelves are incredibly empty and we find the bottle of soda water right at the back of a fridge as though someone had either hidden it or forgotten about it.

While we are there, I have a look at the wine which has become obscenely expensive.  According to the prices on the shelves, the cheapest bottle there is something called a Freeberg red.  Well, can I find the Freeberg red?  No.  I don't think the Freeberg red exists.  I don't think it has ever existed.  I think the shop puts these random price codes up to make you feel there was something you could afford but you missed out. Therefore, it's your fault you have to sell your car to buy the next bottle up on the price range.

My eyes wander over to the likes of Green Valley.  When I was a teenager, we used to call it Death Valley.  It was the kind of thing you bought a litre of for the sole purpose of getting drunk.  I don't believe you could even use it to cook with, but I am sure that it has more than once been used as an anesthetic.  It's the kind of stuff they used to force feed cowboys who had been injured in a gun battle and had to have their arms or legs amputated.

But that was a long time ago. Is it fair to still judge Death Valley on its infamous reputation?  Perhaps we should give it a go? Hmm, I am not convinced.  What about Autumn Harvest crackling?  What on earth is that stuff and why does it crackle?  Altar wine?  That's the cheapest of the lot.  It reminds me of the chaplain at Peterhouse when I worked there who used to turn up to communion completely sozzled. He phoned my dad once and asked if he could marry me.  It's a long story.

Ultimately, we leave with the bottle of soda water only - but I'll be back.  I promise.  It's not the last anyone has heard of the Freeberg red.