October 4

I take Sian to get the bus to Harare at 5am.  I get home as the sun begins to rise and consider sitting and watching it longer.  Then I change my mind and go back to bed.  I take Ellie to school today as John is doing an early breakfast for our guests.

Because of the problems they have endured with electricity, John offers them a complementary breakfast, but they are adamant that they will pay for it.  The lack of electricity is not our fault, they say and they insist it did not disturb their stay.  I like people like this.

There is an episode of Fawlty Towers entitled The Waldorf Salad. An American visitor requests the salad as a starter but Basil Fawlty, who is manning the kitchen alone, has no idea what it is and offers various alternatives, such as a Ritz Salad which contains all the usual salad ingredients such as lettuce and cheese.  As usual, his behaviour descends into the absurd as he continually gets everything wrong and, in an attempt to put the blame on someone else, he pretends that it is the chef who is making the mess up.  Shouting loudly so that the American visitors can hear him, he reprimands the non-existant chef, even going to the extent of threatening to beat him up. 

I have often thought of doing a similar thing when preparing breakfast for guests.  Two years ago, John was away working in the UK and I was running the show by myself.  The thing I dreaded doing most was making breakfast.  It's ridiculous really as breakfast is one of the easiest meals to make.  However, there are so many things to take into consideration. For one, not everyone understands what an English breakfast actually is. This is an example of a conversation:

Me: You would like a full English Breakfast?

Visitor: Yes, full English.

Me: Great.  

Visitor: But no bacon.

Me: OK.

Visitor: Or sausage.

Me: OK.

Visitor: And please, no tomato.

Me: Right, so just eggs and toast?

Visitor: Yes.  And mushrooms.

Me: I'm sorry, we don't have mushrooms.

Visitor (evidently disappointed): Oh?  All right, I'll have two hash browns.

Me: (slight cough) I'm sorry, we don't offer hash browns - it being an ENGLISH breakfast.

Visitor: But at the last place I stayed at, they had hash browns.

Me: And where was that?  America?

Second scenario:

Me: Would you like the Full English breakfast?

Visitor: Just a continental breakfast, thank you.

Me: Sorry, we don't offer a continental breakfast.

Visitor: Oh.  Well, just bring some ham and cheese and lots of coffee.

Me: (through gritted teeth) That's a continental breakfast.  We don't offer it.

And poached eggs?  Don't even get me started on poached eggs.  No one knows what a poached egg is and now I tend to treat it like some rare whisky.  If a person asks for it, I'll produce it, but if not, I shall keep very quiet and leave them in scrambled egg ignorance. There are other problems such as how long you cook the eggs for and should the bacon be crispy or not?  Overall, I am glad John is now back as he handles the breakfast with far more confidence and aplomb.  I have been relegated the duty of manning the toaster and for this I am eternally grateful.